What Your Kitchen Secretly Says About You

By Adriana Velez
Nov 23, 2017

You know that saying “You are what you eat”? Well, here’s another angle to that adage: You are how you eat, too. The point is, you can tell an awful lot about people by their kitchen, whether it’s sleek or sloppy, stocked or bare, brimming with vintage collectibles or flaxseeds.

Which brings us to the question of the hour: What does your kitchen say about you?

Take a look at these photos culled from kitchens across the Internet, and see if any of them seem familiar.

‘I spent oodles on this kitchen so don’t you dare make a mess’

Photo by XSTONE DESIGN GMB

You spent a king’s ransom on this kitchen reno, so nobody had better lay a finger on it. No, you don’t cook. You’re too fancy for that mess. This is a trophy kitchen, and you would never sully it with any actual food. Open the refrigerator. Go on. There’s nothing in there but frosty bottles of mineral water from Iceland. Which is fine, since you’ve got reservations at Nobu anyway.

‘I subsist on coffee alone’

what your kitchen says about you
We have certain standards around here.

(Instagram/Harrison Browne)

Wow, an Elekra Micro Casa espresso maker and a vacuum coffee maker? And is that a color-coded chart behind them?! Man, someone is obsessed with their cup of joe. I guess we won’t tell you about the brand-new pod coffee maker we got in the office break room. Suddenly we’re feeling kind of depressed about it, although I’m not sure if this setup exudes happy vibes, either.

‘I love to look like I cook’

what your kitchen says about you
Yes, of course, I use that mortar and pestle.

(Instagram/Home Design International)

You claim to be laid-back and earthy. Yet all those Danish handmade bone and stone-colored ceramics are arranged ever so carefully on your open shelving. That perfect collection of almost-too-many pots and pans are hung just so. Last but not least, that rough-hewn reclaimed wood prep table is the kitchen equivalent of a humblebrag, because you spent two years searching for it and it cost more than everything in your kitchen, combined. It’s made from the door of a 13th-century abbey. If someone tried to sneak a pink acrylic tumbler into your kitchen, you’d probably have a coronary.

‘I’m creepy’

Photo by TLA Studio

Maybe it’s all the shiny white surfaces. Maybe it’s the slightly claustrophobic galley layout. But doesn’t this seem like the kind of kitchen where a murder takes place? I can see actor Christian Bale flinging red all over those cabinets like a homicidal Picasso. I mean, I kind of don’t want to see that, but this is totally his kitchen. No cooking, just carnage. I’m just sayin’. Don’t go in there.

‘I’m a really cool guy’

Photo by Орлова Анастасия

Odds are high this kitchen is owned by a guy, a dude more like—most likely the coolest divorced dad ever. His kids love hanging here on the weekends. Anything goes, and you can eat on the sofa! Unless Dad’s lady friend is in town, in which case we doubt kids are allowed in here, period.

‘I have very, very specific tastes’

what your kitchen says about you
This level of vintage represents thousands of hours at flea markets.

(Instagram/Deniz Günes)

Those chenille-covered chairs? That pink electric kettle with the scalloped lid? You whimsical creature, you! It makes us hungry for some Pop-Tarts and orange soda served in fountain glasses with paper straws. You have those, too, right? Never grow up.

‘Don’t worry, be happy!’

Photo by UB Kitchens

You freakin’ love color—lots and lots of it. You’ve got a big, fun-loving personality and always see the glass half-full—a rainbow-colored glass, of course.

‘I’m too real for Instagram’

what your kitchen says about you
Has anyone seen my chia seeds?

(Instagram/Bridget)

You’re busy 24/7 cooking, pickling, gardening, kid-rearing. No time to curate a picture-perfect pantry. This is a high-traffic workspace where everything is made from scratch the hard way … OK, except for the stuff you microwave. But that’s mostly for reheating leftovers. That KitchenAid is not there for decoration. It’s the workhorse you use too often to keep in a cabinet (but also you don’t have enough cabinet space). And no, you’re not running out to buy the new Millennium Pink version. Baby needs new shoes, and all that grass-fed beef is hella expensive.

‘I’m so cute it hurts’

what your kitchen says about you
Tiny everything OMG!

(Instagram/Rilakkuma.life)

COULD YOU BE ANY CUTER NO YOU COULD NOT. Or else, this is a toy kitchen for grown-ups. Tough call.

‘Why cook when you can do takeout?’

what your kitchen says about you
Anyone in there?

(Instagram/Karl Heitmueller)

Why, indeed. Especially when there are a plethora of pantry goods to pilfer (below).

what your kitchen says about you
That which does not require cooking skills

(Instagram/Adam Jackson-Boothby)